She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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