You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
