Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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