that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
