Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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