the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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