Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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