i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
