Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
