i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
