I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
