Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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