I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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