matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
