thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
