They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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