I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
