You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
