The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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