i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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