Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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