My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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