I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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