my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
