How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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