Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
