Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
