I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I need moral support for this bender
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
