Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
