my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
