She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
