he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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