i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Randomize
