he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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