Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
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