I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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