NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
