how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Alive.
So much puke
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
