I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She told me I should be a condom model.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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