can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
