i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
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