Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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