If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
