dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
