don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
