Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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