I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
And then he peed in my hair
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