I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
