everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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