Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
