What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
