I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
