Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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