you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
