I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
