And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
