Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize