i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
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