watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
