dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just invented taco cereal.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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