And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
