It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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