new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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