Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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