There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize