If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I checked into jail on foursquare
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
